


of cold hands and colder gazes

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pacific Rim Fusion, Angst, End of the World, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Jaeger Pilots, M/M, Mentions of Blood & Injury, Minor Character Death, Miscommunication, Science Fiction, The Drift (Pacific Rim), tw // implied homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:20:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28968927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “Sometimes I forget that you’re in my head.”Wherein Ten blames the Drift for allowing Johnny to reside in every crevasse of his mind, even the parts he can’t recall.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 12
Kudos: 57
Collections: Challenge #4 — Awaken The World





	of cold hands and colder gazes

****

**Tokyo Shatterdome, October 2024**

_Cold fingers and colder gazes,_ Ten remembers reading that somewhere, or had that been Johnny? He’s not quite sure though, but it does describe how the grim cockpit feels like pretty damn well. He isn’t certain either if he wants to figure which memories are his and which are Johnny’s right now, not when they’re about to Drift and allow time to melt together once more.

Upon latching onto the Conn-Pod’s rig, Ten notices that today’s driftsuit is painted a solid egg-shell white with shockingly bright fuschia floral motifs, the color of the peonies in his grandmother’s garden from his childhood. He’s sure of this. His fingers trace over the outline Doyoung had customized for them and he can’t help but feel a smile forming on his lips. 

Look, it’s not like Ten had argued with Johnny last night or anything. All he remembers is talking about how much he had been looking forward to going back home after this last shift with the rest of their friends, making sure that everyone understood how much he missed his mother’s cooking and the dozens of dogs his family took care of back home, but that’d been it. Nothing out of the blue.

As the spinal clamp tightens and the routine of gears shifting into place begins, Ten tries to disassociate, something he’s learned to do by the second time he’s entered a Jaeger in the real world. But he fails, still unable to decipher the mystery behind Johnny’s silence. He’s usually rather chatty, cracking jokes as they go through the process of suiting. But considering how the taller man hasn’t said a word since breakfast when he’d asked for pepper, Ten’s feeling particularly restless.

“Are you both ready?” 

Kun’s voice is stern and clear although a tad bit too loud. If this were any other scenario Ten would ask for him to lower his volume but he’s locked in and a Cat. 4 Kaiju is making its way to Odaiba beach as they speak. He’d made the mistake of doing so as a first year Cadet and he’d gotten the pleasure of running three times around the Academy. So no, Ten is not about to mess around.

“Yes.” They both say at once. Ten looks at Johnny but he only manages to steal a brief glance of him before the Relay Gel temporarily fogs their vision and everything turns to black.

**Kodiak Island Jaeger Academy, November 2016**

Ten doesn’t know half a thing about this tiny island off the coast of Alaska. He knows that the weather is freezing (much colder than his home of Bangkok, Thailand that’s for sure), and that it's the state’s largest fishing port meaning seafood will be a part of all his meals from here on out. But if there is one thing that he understands from his travels before all _this_ , it’s that you should never judge a city based on a mere Google search.

But now that he’s here, sitting on a frozen metal bench, gripping on to the sleeves of his parka as he grits his teeth in an attempt to prevent them from chattering any further, Ten knows that all he wants to do is go home.

A part of him wants to rip out the hair from his head, letting dyed blond figments float in the air, and tell the Ten from two months ago to never fill in the Ranger scout applications and attend that in-person meeting last week. Regret bubbles inside like the acid in his throat, he takes a sip of the water one of the greeters had offered him upon his arrival at the airport earlier before standing up to ask for directions once more to his allocated room.

As he makes his way down the hallway, Ten brushes his hands across the titanium walls, wondering how much it had cost to scrape together this place as he tries to locate room 127. When he finally finds the room, Ten takes in a deep breath and slides the card across the slot and presses his thumb onto the keypad. The door opens and he finds exactly what he’d pictured, a nine by nine box room with 3 sturdy bunk beds that occupy most of the space, used socks and underwear strewn across the floor and the scrutiny of eight eyes staring holes at him.

However, he only finds himself looking back at one pair. Dark brown, jovial, almost warm. But Ten would be a fool to deny the emptiness he finds as well. Before he can hear what his sixteen year old self has to say about it, everything goes dark and he feels himself being stretched apart all over again to move on to the next memory. 

****

**Singapore’s Tiong Bahru, July 2021**

“You know you’re crazy right?.” Johnny laughs as he bends down to help Ten fix his slippers in some alley way. Somehow, the strap had fallen out when they were eating Chilli Crab at a hawker’s center a quarter block down. “How’d you manage to walk a hundred feet without tripping when you ripped them out?”

“First of all, they did not rip out.” Ten argues back, he always does. One time Johnny had asked him why he always had to, even when there was nothing truly worthy at stake and he’d blanked. Ten likes to think that he’s the wittiest person he’s ever known but his first conversation with Johnny proved his theory wrong in a matter of seconds. “They popped out and second of all, I’m not risking looking like a fool in front of the shopkeeper who oh-so kindly offered to take care of our meal.” 

“Of course that makes sense.” Johnny nods as he hands the navy sandal back to Ten, “Because that’s the first thing a middle-aged woman would do upon meeting the very same people who prevented a cat-three from devastating the entirety of South-East Asia.” He continues, not backing down as they head back out to the middle of the packed street. 

Ten shakes his head as he reaches out his hand to Johnny, a habit that he’s not quite sure where he’s picked up but he’s not exactly planning to give up either. 

Taeyong used to call him stubborn for it, but now Ten can’t even spit the words back at his best friend. The only place he can see him anymore is in the hall of dedication at the Pan Pacific Defense Corps’ Seoul headquarters.

“You underestimate the power of middle-aged Asian aunties, Johnny Suh.” Ten informs him, feigning a sense of disappointment as the other man intertwines their fingers together allowing the crowds of locals and tourists alike to stare. Ten feels his stomach knot and he can’t help but grit his teeth. _Why?_

“And you underestimate me, because trust me, if anyone’s going to have something to pick about this.” Johnny retorts, lifting up their interlocked hands, “I’ll be the first to say something.”

“Sometimes I forget that you’re in my head.” Ten answers in response, uncharacteristically meek and solemn. 

It’s hard to avoid the faint whispers that trail them like shadows under street lamps, the gawking seniors who point in shock, or even the mothers that slide their fingers to cover their children’s eyes. 

“Ghost-drifting huh?” Johnny lifts an eyebrow, referring to one of the side-effects of a neural handshake, the ability to still maintain a link despite the lack of actual hardware connecting them together. Ten's convinced everyone who drifts can, but maybe he's just in denial that he's alone on this. He isn't completely certain.

“Maybe.” Ten teases as they take another turn to a less crowded street, nudging his gray tank top clad shoulder to Johnny’s arm.

“Well I’ll always be with you then.” Johnny shrugs as he drags Ten by the hand into a store that sells pineapple tarts because apparently the scent of flaky pastry and goopy sweet fruit jam is too enticing to ignore.

“Is that supposed to be a threat?” Ten presses onwards, “Because I honestly drifted fine with Jaehyun, you know-“ 

Ten would be stupid to deny that Johnny isn’t the easiest person to figure out because no matter the amount of times he's traversed inside Johnny’s mind, he can never map it out. He can never pick apart what’s his to know and what’s not, but he takes it all anyways. So when Johnny presses his lips onto Ten’s cheek for a fraction of a second, he’s not quite sure whether it’s a sign for him to shut up or whether he just wanted the passersbys to finally look away. He’ll never find out either because next thing he knows, he's seventeen again. 

****

**Kodiak Island Jaeger Academy, March 2017**

Fuck Doyoung and his pretentious quotes. _Drift sync training is the sole solution to an arrogant man’s qualms._ No, drift sync training is quite literally the epitome of glorified invasion of privacy.

It’s not that he’s worried really, he’s been doing well, Ten finds comfort in seeing his name in neon red on the very top of the scoreboard. It’s just that there’s something rather daunting about being unpaired when that’s the whole point of this program in itself. Kun tells him that it took Stacker Pentecost _three_ years to find his own co-pilot and he’s the best there is and although it makes him feel better, it doesn’t stop his heart from pounding at his chest like crazy. 

Ten takes a deep breath before nestling within the empty space between Johnny and Jaehyun on the floor, patiently awaiting their turn to get their marks down. 

“So who’s up first?” Ten pertains softly as the glare from the ceiling dims and the spotlight falls on the center of the dojo. 

“Kun’s up with Doyoung.” Johnny informs him leaning closer to his ear, trying his best not to alarm Yuta’s father (more famously known as the Jaeger Academy’s strictest bojutsu instructor) who was currently monitoring the fight. 

“They’re a great duo but we all know how much Kun wants to be a LOCCENT officer and how Doyoung wants to man his own J-Tech crew.” Ten scoffs as he watches Kun make a stab at the Doyoung’s waist, clean cut and precise, using the tool in his grasp.

“Fair point.”

Ten knows that they’re not quite supposed to choreograph their actions during the sparring compatibility test but he can’t help but feel like he is whenever it’s his turn. Because the movements come to him like how dance used to, it’s been so long (meaning nearly 6 months) since he’s graced the presence of a barre so he makes do with the bo. Despite his rather unorthodox movements, everyone remains complicit, in utter awe as he slams Jaehyun down under five moves. For someone so awfully smart, Jaehyun’s moves are the pinnacle of predictable and Ten renders it as his weapon.

“Who’s next?” He smirks as he scans the room, eyeing whoever hadn’t gone or anyone who hadn’t broken a bone yet. 

“How about you take on Johnny?” Jaehyun spits out, an entanglement of blood and saliva coating his swollen bottom lip, struggling to stand up before Taeyong helps him up. 

“He’s literally a different weight category-“

“Spar with Johnny.” Nakamoto sensei insists, words laced with curiosity and eyes twinkling with mischief. 

“He’s literally a good 40 pounds heavier than I am, I’m going to get-“

“And you want to be a Jaeger pilot?” 

Ten rolls his eyes at that as he tosses the other stick towards his best friend who immediately gets on his feet, they’ve never sparred before, not here like this. But then again, Ten likes to think that he’s got Johnny all figured out. They bow to each other, customary to the art of bojutsu or maybe Yuta had fooled them into thinking it was, no one’s quite sure. 

Now the bo isn’t the most dangerous weapon in the combat room however it certainly is the most difficult one to master. Nonetheless, Ten likes the rhythmics of bojutsu best, it reminds him of the fluidity of ballet and jazz, a silent reminder of his past life. And somehow sparring with Johnny only brings out the best elements of it, the air feels a bit more crisp, the clanging of the wooden rods a louder, his steps more agile. It feels right. Even if he ends up on the floor for once as sweat trickles down his forehead. Somehow his first loss tastes bittersweet because at least now he knows that he’s got a co-pilot.

****

**Bangkok, October 2014**

The breeze is rather strong today but it brings a wonderful contrast to the partial turmoil the sun brings upon the city during afternoons. Even Ten, ever so seldomly an enjoyer of the outside, acknowledges this as he takes off his pointed shoes at the front door. He’d forgotten to change into his pair of sneakers after ballet, afterall he’d been in a rush to make sure that he’d have enough time for homework.

It’s quiet inside, Ten supposes his sister’s in her room polishing off her violin skills, and his parents at work. He is however, surprised, to find his grandfather in the back patio, humming along to a song that he’s certain he’s heard before ( _Tian Mimi_ was it?) as he flicks through the pages of today’s morning news paper. 

But upon seeing the TV come to life with the flick of the remote control, he’s blasted with more news from last night’s Jeju Kaiju attack, this time from CNN USA, his father’s go-to channel. A part of him finds it rather bizarre how the world manages to remain constant despite having discovered that monsters do exist. But he tries not to think about it too much. 

_”Four thousand, and counting, found dead after last night’s events. Among the dead found are three thousand locals, five hundred tourists including several dozen Americans. A couple from Chi-“_

Ten wants to say something but considering how many attacks have occurred, it’s hard not to feel numb. So he switches the channels, hoping to see something that doesn’t involve anymore destruction or pain. The memory fades too, like all the others, but unlike the rest, present Ten feels a sinking feeling dawn on him. He does not recall the day but he knows that Johnny does. _”Ten, I'm losing you, do not chase the rabbit! I repeat, do not chase the rabbit!”_

☆

Ten’s never chased the rabbit before but it’s definitely not the worst memory he could’ve gotten stuck in. He’s lucky. He’d never met a Kaiju before he started piloting beside Johnny, and even so, they’d always been inside a Jaeger, inside Dream in a Dream. As he walks around the living room of his childhood home, observing his grandmother’s collection of miscellaneous knick-knacks on the shelves, his heart feels heavy. How could he have forgotten?

Ten wants to scream, whether at himself for being so willfully ignorant or at Johnny for tucking away all the bitter memories safely in a cupboard, only unleashing them minutes before they face nightmare inducing monsters. Maybe this is the only way things can work out. Maybe that dream of theirs to open a small little bakery in Seoul in that neighborhood long after the Kaijus were gone was futile. Because without the Drift they were nothing. 

“Ten?” 

Upon turning his head back, he sees Johnny, clad in his own drift-suit, midnight black with cosmos and peonies scattered like stars. It’s a look for sure and Ten can’t help but roll his eyes at the sight of it, reminding himself to tease the older about it once this is all over. If you make it out, that is.

“I’m sorry.” 

“Sorry for what?” Johnny pertains patiently, taking a step closer to him, breathing in the surroundings as he makes his way to the couch where Ten’s sitting.

“I feel stupid for talking about home when today marks a decades since Jeju.” Ten answers, shutting his eyes close, the cobalt blue undertones that showers the drift world hurting his eyes. 

“I’m sorry too.”

“For what?”

“I never talk about it. About Jeju.” Johnny insists as he reaches out for Ten’s hand.

“You were 16, I don’t expect you too.” Ten scoffs, he hesitates for a minute, he knows that he’s got to leave this place sooner or later, that there are a million lives at stake. But he can’t help but feel selfish in the same breath, he hasn’t sat on this paisley patterned sofa for nearly half his life.

“But I have to, I promise, I’ll tell you all about it so you don’t have to shiver everytime we walk through that memory.” 

“Really?”

“I promise.”

☆

“You fucking asshole! You chased the rabbit!” Kun shouts at Ten through the intercom system causing his ears to want to explode. But at least he’s back, Ten thinks as he looks around him, around the Conn-Pod, and at Johnny, who’s asking him if he’s alright.

“I’m sorry, I promise you it won’t happen again.” Ten says aloud through his own mic, and although Kun is around several hundred feet away from him in the Command Center, he feels his presence in the drivesuit room anyways. 

“It better not.” Kun mutters before tuning out causing both Johnny and Ten to laugh. The air feels more relaxed now somehow and Ten manages to collect himself in the midst of the Jaeger being lifted from the ground by a cluster of helicopters. 

“Johnny?” He offers, he stares at the wide screen opposite to them, displaying the view of the ocean beneath them, both forbidding yet inviting all the same. 

“Yeah?” The man in question answers, seemingly caught off guard.

“We’re going to talk right? Later.” 

“Assuming we make it, yes.” Johnny nods, a smirk painted on his lips. They’ll figure it out somehow in the end.

**Author's Note:**

> **Glossary**
> 
> Cadet - Title given to individuals training to become Rangers in the Pan Pacific Defense Corps or Jaeger pilots
> 
> ‘Chase the rabbit’ - Phrase used to remind Jaeger pilots not to remain ‘stuck’ on a memory (Random Access Brain Impulse Triggers (or R.A.B.I.T.) are an occurrence wherein one of the pilots latches onto a memory)
> 
> Conn-pod - The Conn-Pod is the cockpit and control center of each Jaeger, the place where pilots can control the Jaeger’s every movement.
> 
> Drift - Process that two Jaeger pilots undergo prior to synchronizing with the Jaeger itself
> 
> Drift-sync training - Recruits train in the mock-pod simulator and learn how to drift with their partner
> 
> Ghost-drifting - Side effect of neural handshakes, wherein the pilots are said to find that their link remains somewhat active, though muted, after they’ve disconnected from the hardware
> 
> Jaeger - Special type of mobile weapon that acted as the most effective first and last line of defense against the Kaiju during the Kaiju War
> 
> [Jaeger] Academy - Institution created by the Pan Pacific Defense Corps to train new pilots for their respective Jaegers in the war against the Kaiju
> 
> J-tech - (Jaeger-Tech) is an occupation given to officers in charge of the maintenance of the Jaeger systems and robotics
> 
> Kaiju - Race of amphibious creatures genetically engineered by the Precursors, a sentient race from the Anteverse
> 
> LOCCENT - (Local Command Center) is the communication center in the Shatterdome  
> Neural handshake - Final process of the Drift and a bind that enables the two pilots' minds to manipulate their Jaeger's every movement
> 
> Ranger - (Title given to Jaeger pilots) Rank given to Pan Pacific Defense Corps officers assigned to the Jaegers. 
> 
> Relay gel - Resides inside Jaeger pilot’s helmet to relays the electrical impulses of the pilots to one another, allowing them to move in synchronicity
> 
> Shatterdome - Primary headquarters of the Pan Pacific Defense Corps and factories for the construction, repair, maintenance and launch of the Jaegers


End file.
